Almost no one walks down the aisle thinking that “I do” will one day turn into “I don’t.” And yet, with more than half of marriages ending in divorce, it’s a reality many women will face.
“It’s like childbirth—no one tells you the real truth about the divorce process,” says Jacqueline Newman, a New York City–based divorce lawyer and author of Soon-to-Be Ex: A Woman’s Guide to Her Perfect Divorce and Relaunch. Here are ten essential things women should know if they’re considering ending their marriage.
Affairs Do Not Shock Judges
You may have been blindsided by your ex’s affair, but chances are, the judge won’t blink an eye. Sadly, cheating is a common cause of divorce, and all 50 states offer no-fault divorce—meaning you don’t have to prove infidelity to end a marriage. “A court will not typically agree that because he was a bad husband, he is now a bad father,” says Newman. “The effect of an affair (even one with your best friend) will not impact custody determinations.”
Be Prepared to Do a Lot of the Legwork
Preparing for divorce can feel like a full-time job. Unless you have the resources to delegate everything to your attorney, you may find yourself gathering documents and information on your own. And while you might already feel like you do everything anyway, there will still be moments when his absence is noticeable. It may be freezing outside—but the garbage isn’t going to take itself out.
Your Ex Will Probably Have Custody of Your Kids
The idea of your child spending weekends with an ex who doesn’t enforce bedtime or brushing teeth can be incredibly stressful. Still, in most cases, fathers will have parenting time—often including overnights. “Many moms don’t think about the fact that, except in rare situations, dads will have time alone with the children,” says Newman. That means less control over meals, routines, and rules while the kids are away—and learning to tolerate that reality can be one of the hardest parts.
Divorce Can Take a Long Time
TV makes divorce look quick and tidy. Real life is different. “If you litigate, it can take many months or even years,” says Newman. “Even if you settle quickly, it can take at least three to six months before you’re actually divorced.” As she points out, a marriage can happen in under an hour—but a divorce rarely does.
You Don’t Have to Go to Court to Get Divorced
The thought of stepping into a courthouse can be intimidating. The room feels sterile, the judge looks stern, and everything feels high-stakes. But court isn’t the only option. “Many people assume the only way to get divorced is to go to court and see a judge,” says Newman. That fear keeps many people stuck in unhappy marriages. If you and your spouse are relatively amicable, mediation or collaborative divorce may be constructive alternatives—especially when you’re aligned on major issues like custody and asset division.
Social Media Is Not Your Friend During Divorce
Emotions run high during divorce, especially when things stall or feel unfair. It’s tempting to vent online or seek validation—but resist the urge. “If you’re thinking about divorce or already going through it, stay away from your phone,” says Newman. What you post can live forever, even if deleted, and anything online can be used against you in court.
Grieving Your Marriage Is a Real Thing
Even if you’re eager for the divorce to be over, the emotional aftermath can still hit hard. Divorce grief is real—and in some ways, it can feel worse than a death. “You’re reminded of the failed relationship each time your ex picks up the children,” says Newman. “It’s okay—and expected—to mourn.” Be prepared for waves of emotion, whether it’s a song, a memory, or a moment you didn’t expect.
You’re Going to Lose Some Friends
You may anticipate losing assets, but many people don’t expect the social fallout.
“A legal divorce ends the marriage, but few people think about the social divorce,” says Newman. Mutual friends may feel pressure to choose sides—and sometimes, they won’t choose yours. It’s painful, but being prepared helps. The people who stay are the ones you want in your corner.
You Need to Invest in Yourself
There’s a cliché that people glow up after divorce—and critics ask why they didn’t do it during the marriage. The truth is, many marriages slowly drain people. Now, the focus can shift back to you. Whether it’s taking a class, returning to an old hobby, or finding new ways to care for yourself, these investments matter. “You should create enjoyable distractions before the divorce process begins,” says Newman. “They can be a comfort during and after.”
You’re Making the Right Decision
Studies show children do better with two happy parents in separate households than with two unhappy parents under one roof. Your children want you to be well. If ending your marriage opens the door to healthier relationships—and a better example for your kids—it just may be the best decision for you and your family.