Divorce is scary — petrifying even. After all, no one really enters into a marriage already planning their exit. But life happens sometimes, and divorce becomes necessary. What Suzanne Riss and Jill Sockwell discovered was that instead of dreading your divorce, it can pave the way towards personal growth. That’s why the divorced duo wrote The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce: How To Get Through Your Breakup and Create a New Life You Love, a playbook on how to not just survive but thrive after you part ways from your partner.
Suzanne, how did the book come to be?
I was going through my own divorce, and I was going through it alone. I really craved community, but no one I knew was getting divorced. I met Jill, who lived in my town, and was also getting a divorce. We would go on these walks together and we realized what saved us during this really difficult time was having a person in your corner who you could tell anything to.
On a whim, we thought about offering this concept to our community. So we put up flyers that read: “Anyone who is interested in having a sisterhood during your divorce, come and meet with us.” We were expecting maybe a handful of people — and 40 people showed up.
We didn’t realize the demand for this type of community where everyone had so many incredibly difficult feelings about the divorce process. It meant so much for them to know that they weren’t alone and because there were people in the group at different phases of divorce, it helped them to see that they could get to the other side.
That’s why Jill and I decided to write The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce, because we felt that if it saved us and so many other people in our town, we knew that it could give hope to others on a larger scale. as well.
I think that there is still somewhat of a stigma surrounding divorce, like you should stick it out, that marriages are like this, and that mindset can really hamper the process.
Yes. What Jill and I realized in writing the book is that the only people who know what’s going on in a relationship are the people who are in the relationship. People on the outside have absolutely no idea what’s happening.
The book is divided into three phases. So let’s talk about that because I think it’s important that people who are contemplating divorce to know that there are definitive stages to this process.
Exactly. Our book is for people who have decided that they want to separate, and we help them go through the process. The first phase is learning to deal with all of the logistics and difficulties of the separation. The second part is healing, which is the emotional toll, the grief, and the self reflection you’ll experience so that you can move on. And the last one is when you’re ready to embrace your new life and all its possibilities.
In the book, you point out that while divorce seems to focus on just the couple, it really includes the entire family.
Absolutely. Something I really do believe to be true — and have seen examples of — is the spiritual truth of it all. If the marriage isn’t good for one person, it’s not good for anyone in the unit. Everyone suffers, so the idea of staying for the sake of the kids can backfire because then the entire family is bearing the grief and the unhappiness.
There are a lot of studies that explore the well-being of parents and how it affects children. The belief is that we think we can hide things from our kids because they won’t notice, but they do. But you have to decide what you want to model for your kid. Do you want them to see two parents who have resentment and anger towards each other, or a couple who is happy and loving?
It truly is one of the tougher issues to deal with during divorce.
There was one experience during my divorce that really stuck out. Anytime you are divorcing and you have a young child, you have to go through training. When I did it, we were all seated in a big auditorium and I was sitting in the very front, because that’s where I like to be! [laughs] And the first thing they said to us was, “Everyone in this room, wherever you’re sitting, you have to go to the opposite part of the room. So if you’re in the first row, you have to go to the last row. If you’re on the right, you have to go to the left.” Everyone was grumbling and really pissed off, like, “Why are they making us do this?”
When we switched seats, they said, “Are you in your comfort zone? Probably not. Well, how you’re feeling now, that you have no control, this is how your kids feel.” It gave all of us some perspective. It made me realize that you need to let your child know what’s going on, because you can’t keep it a secret. Instead, you have to help them through it, and for them to know it’s safe to share whatever they’re feeling. It’s really the responsibility of the adults to listen to their kids and make sure that they get the support they need.
You can also give them choices to make that will help them feel empowered. It can be anything from asking if they want cereal or French toast that day. Offer situations in which they can make their own decisions so that they know that their opinions are heard and respected. They don’t have control over the divorce, but they can have control over certain parts of what they want and should be included in some of those decisions.
So how does self care play a role in getting divorced?
There are the basics, like getting enough exercise and making sure that you’re eating and sleeping well. But there’s also the importance of building community. It could be friends, family, or other people going through divorce, too. Professional help can be an important part of self-care as well. Jill and I took nature hikes and we found that nature was very healing.
The best thing that I’ve experienced, though, is that this is a time of contemplation. Ask yourself what you can learn from your divorce and what you’d like to do differently in the future. What kind of life do you want to live and what relationships are important to you? How can you work on yourself so that you’re a good partner and can share your life in a loving and authentic way? There’s an opportunity to learn from every piece of adversity in our lives. That’s why we devoted the longest section in the book to this concept of self reflection.
Ultimately, do whatever it is that will allow you to get in touch with that side of yourself that maybe has been buried. That’s why we call it The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce, because we really do believe it can be a chance for rebirth. It’s an opportunity to live your life in a more meaningful and fulfilling way.