As a couple, you need to be in sync on so many things—whether to have kids, how to raise them, how to mesh your communication styles, and even how to talk about sex. But the one topic that often gets avoided is money. Still, not sharing your financial life can really make or break a relationship. That doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything, but it does mean couples can build healthy money habits that help make sense of their dollars and cents. (Ha.)
When it comes to what makes a good financial relationship, it all starts with honesty. Bryan M. Kuderna, CFP®, MSFS, RICP®, LUTCF®, founder of Kuderna Financial Team and author of What Should I Do with My Money?, says, “A good financial relationship is based first and foremost on honesty, just like the relationship itself. My recommendation is to have joint bank accounts, joint brokerage accounts, meet with your advisors together, and handle your finances as a team.”
Of course, honesty alone isn’t enough—it also takes respect. Paul Walker, author of A Money Book Anyone Can Read, explains, “A good financial relationship is one where each person accepts and respects their partner’s views on money.” He recommends a simple conversation starter to help get there: “What does money mean to you?” Whether the answer is security, freedom, or fear, your partner’s perspective will shape how they approach money decisions in the future.
Trust is key because without it, your financial goals will always be out of reach. If your top priority as a couple is paying down debt and then saving for a house, that won’t happen if one person racks up credit card debt in secret. And it’s not just hidden credit cards—people can sneak cash by buying gift cards at the grocery store and using them for untracked purchases (believe it or not, it happens), or withdrawing cash from ATMs without their partner knowing. If you don’t have trust as your cornerstone, every other part of your relationship will suffer.
Financial goals, both personal and shared, are essential at every life stage, especially for couples who want to build healthy money habits. Jamilah N. McCluney, a financial specialist, notes, “Some financial goals are saving a certain percent of your income, contributing to a retirement account, creating a goal fund for a vacation or hobby, and even paying down debt.” She emphasizes that goals don’t have to be glued together. “Financial goals can be personal and/or individual,” she says.
As relationships and life evolve, so do financial priorities. Walker points out, “Your financial goals depend on what stage of life you’re at. All couples need a budget even if it is four items: fixed, variable, savings, and taxes.” Early on, your savings might go toward a house or college fund for your kids. Later, your focus might shift to retirement. “Couples should allocate savings based on their age and life situation,” he adds.
Even if your savings account is minimal, you can start forming healthy financial habits right now. Walker says, “Healthy financial habits can occur in seconds by engaging in conscious spending. Before spending any money (yep, that includes the $5 latte), ask if this purchase has helped me reach your goal. If the answer is no, buying the cup of coffee is still alright, but recognize that you are moving away from your goal.”
Christina Steinorth-Powell, a licensed psychotherapist, encourages starting small. “Typically, when we are able to succeed at one goal, it encourages us to build on that, making future goals more attainable,” she says. For example, if you tend to run late on credit card payments, challenge yourself to make perfect payments for just one month. That small win can kick off a wave of better habits.
And once you start seeing extra money in your account, don’t just let it sit there—put it to work. McCluney suggests, “You can start by saving 10% of your income. By doing this, your wealth will slowly start to accumulate, and it will motivate you to be mindful about your money. You can begin to see tangible changes within a few weeks, and your own internal changes will keep you encouraged within 30 days.”
Of course, no two people are the same, and you and your partner may have differing views on spending and saving which can make creating healthy money habits challenging. McCluney advises, “Communicate openly and honestly about the reasons and thoughts behind your differing views and try to understand where the other partner is coming from and why they feel the way they do. Try to see if there’s a compromise or common ground that will make you both feel comfortable and secure.” If you’re the one who loves spreadsheets and on-time bills, you might take on those tasks—but only if your partner agrees.
Steinorth-Powell recommends a simple exercise to find balance: “Each partner should make a list of 20 things that are either a must-have or aren’t that important, and then exchange the lists. See which priorities meet up and negotiate the rest.” For instance, if one of you wants to save $1,000 for a home and the other dreams of a vacation to Vietnam, consider splitting the difference—save $600 for the house and $400 for the trip.
As Walker puts it, “Take the time to come up with a simple budget, financial goals, and a plan. And leave room for each person to have some of their own money to spend on frivolous items because no grown adult wants to be grilled on why they spent a few bucks.”
But what happens when couples aren’t in sync financially? According to Kuderna, “When couples aren’t in sync financially, it often leads to other issues, arguments, lack of trust, etc. I have seen couples get divorced as one partner has their own credit card with a huge hidden balance, or money that’s gone missing as it’s moved into accounts without the other’s knowledge, etc.” It’s often not just the separate accounts—it’s the secrecy and betrayal that do the real damage.
McCluney is candid about the cost of staying misaligned. “I believe it also entails walking away from relationships if the other person’s financial habits are unhealthy, too dysfunctional or unchanging when trying to reach a common ground,” she says. “It’s easy to fall into resentment and bickering while triggered by the different financial perspectives. Being out of sync can prove to be a very make-or-break reality.”
And Kuderna offers one final piece of financial advice for couples looking to make healthy money habits: “Whenever someone tells me, ‘I handle my own money and my spouse does theirs separately,’ it’s usually a red flag.”