Parenting is truly a trip. One minute, you feel like you’re crushing it, and the next, well, you feel like you can’t do anything right. It’s in those moments (like when your 3-year-old is acting like a total threenager) that you could definitely use some support, whether it’s a helping hand or a kind “You’re doing a great job” comment. But when seemingly everyone has an opinion on your parenting style (and it’s not a positive one), it can be beyond hurtful and even bad for your self-esteem. There is a way to deal with unsolicited parenting advice, though. Learn how to build up your confidence so that those unsolicited opinions don’t share your sense of self—or your parenting.
How To Deal With Unsolicited Parenting Advice From Your In-Laws
They raised your partner, so of course, they know exactly how to take care of your kids better than you—in their minds, anyway. In-laws may be one of your harshest critics, but that doesn’t mean you should accept those cutting comments, either. “It is your right as a parent to make decisions for your children, and no one else should feel entitled to do so,” says Dr. Flora Sadri-Azarbayejani, DO, MPH, FAAFP, FASAM. “If the advice is causing too much tension, try coming to an agreement with your family about what areas they can offer their opinion on.” Of course, you should (almost) always try to hear them out and understand their perspective, but ultimately you need to stand your ground and enforce boundaries if the critiques become a burden to your mental health.
How To Deal With Unsolicited Parenting Advice From Friends
If you thought that fending off unsolicited parenting advice from your a*hole inlaws was rough, try fielding those same opinions from your friends. (And by friends, we mean real friends, not the frenemies who have been waiting for you to fail since day one.) “Dealing with unsolicited parenting advice from friends can also be tricky,” says Sadri-Azarbayejani. “Although your friends are likely coming from a place of love and care, let them know that while you appreciate their advice, but would prefer to make decisions for yourself and your family.”
But the conversation shouldn’t come to a halt there. Since your friend is probably well-intentioned (they just want you to help quell your baby’s colic, after all), speak with them about how their advice is adversely affecting you. You might tell them that you know that they want the best for you and Baby, but their incessant suggestions are making you feel like you’re doing everything wrong. If they’re a true friend, they’ll start pointing out everything you’re doing right instead—and offer tips only when asked.
How To Deal With Unsolicited Parenting Advice From Strangers
It’s always going to sting when you hear someone saying a sarcastic comment that is only meant to sting. Somehow, though, it may feel worse coming from someone you don’t know. It can make you feel like you’re on stage, and every single person you see is a critic in the audience. But the best way to handle it is to not handle it at all, suggests Azarbayejani. “With strangers, the best approach is to simply ignore it,” she says. “Unsolicited parenting advice from strangers can be particularly difficult to manage, as they do not know you or your children and have no right to offer such opinions in the first place.” And unlike your inlaws, friendships, or people you already have relationships with, shouting at a stranger to STFU isn’t always a good idea. So in this scenario, you really have two choices. You can either pretend like you didn’t hear it or address the person offering their unsolicited parenting advice on your life and tell them that their “wisdom” isn’t welcome.
This Is What You Say When Someone (Anyone) Criticizes Your Parenting
When someone says that you shouldn’t be breastfeeding in public, or that your 3-year-old should already be potty trained, the comments could cause you to question your worth as a parent. Because we typically expect people to say nice things to us (and especially about our kids), to hear a negative comment could send you spiraling—and sans words to respond with. “When someone criticizes your parenting, it is important to remain calm and not be defensive,” says Azarbayejani. “You can either ignore the advice or say something like, ‘Thanks, but I’m doing what’s best for my baby and me.’” If for some reason the situation escalates (and the person becomes offended that you didn’t receive their words with open arms), try not to engage further and either ignore them or physically remove yourself from the situation for the sake (and safety) of both of you.
Whether it’s a subtle comment to demean your parenting skills or criticisms that are sarcastic and shaming, don’t let it dictate how you perceive yourself as a parent. While some advice is well-meaning and even correct (who knew that your nursery shouldn’t be so warm at night?), other observations might not be as considerate or kind. That’s why having boundaries is a crucial part of handling unsolicited parenting advice, no matter who says it. And when you know that you’re a good parent trying to do your best, the only opinion that matters will be yours—and yours alone.