For many working mothers, the end of the workday isn’t just about finishing up tasks—it’s about shifting into “family mode.” Whether it’s picking up kids from school, preparing dinner, or helping with homework, the demands at home can be just as pressing as those at work. But what happens when your boss doesn’t respect your time? Whether they’re a micromanager who keeps piling on last-minute tasks or a well-meaning, but chatty, colleague who lingers past 5:00 p.m., it can be hard to assert your boundaries without feeling guilty or worried about your professional reputation.
Dr. Sylvia Lafair, leadership expert and author of Don’t Bring It to Work, knows this all too well. Her book does a deep dive into how to handle a boss who keeps you late—and how to manage balancing work and family without feeling stressed or torn. Lafair shares practical strategies for women who want to leave the office on time while maintaining their professionalism, preserving important relationships, and most importantly, staying true to themselves.
Dr. Lafair, why do so many working mothers feel like they can’t leave the office on time, even when they have family obligations?
A big part of it is what I call the “pleaser” pattern, which is common among women, particularly in the workplace. Many of us are conditioned to put others’ needs before our own. From an early age, we were taught that saying “no” isn’t acceptable, so we carry that behavior into adulthood, often at the expense of our own well-being. When it comes to leaving work on time, we feel guilty for setting boundaries or fear disappointing others, whether that’s a boss, a colleague, or even a client.
You mentioned the “pleaser” pattern. How can someone identify if they’re caught in this cycle?
A pleaser often has trouble saying no, and tends to over-extend themselves in both professional and personal settings. They might agree to stay late for a project or take on additional tasks because they want to be seen as helpful or dedicated. But over time, this can lead to burnout or resentment because they’re not honoring their own time and needs. It’s crucial to recognize these patterns, so you can take steps to shift them.
So, what’s the first step for a working mother who’s trying to leave the office on time, but her boss won’t let her?
The first step is always to look inward. Ask yourself, “What’s keeping me from speaking up?” In many cases, it’s the fear of disappointing others. But when you don’t speak your truth, you’re not being authentic, and that ultimately harms both your professional and personal life. You need to remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritize your time and needs.
That makes sense. But what if your boss doesn’t recognize that you need to leave? Maybe they’re controlling or just don’t keep track of time. How can you navigate that situation?
The key is learning how to set boundaries in a respectful yet firm way. One of my favorite phrases for this situation is: “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to over-explain yourself or feel guilty. For example, if your boss is pushing you to stay late, you could say something like, “I’d love to help, but I have to leave to pick up my kids. I’ll get my part of the project done and be back first thing tomorrow.” You’re setting a boundary while still being committed to the work.
Are there any other strategies for dealing with a boss who might not be aware that they’re overstepping your boundaries?
Absolutely. Here are three tips for dealing with a boss who keeps you late or doesn’t respect your time:
- Remember: “No” is a complete sentence.
This is a simple but powerful mindset shift. You don’t have to justify yourself or apologize for needing time for yourself or your family. A simple, direct “no” can be all you need to set a healthy boundary. - Understand that every situation is an interactive relationship.
It’s not just about you setting boundaries, but about how your boss responds. Pay attention to their personality and motivations, and tailor your response accordingly. For example, if your boss is a perfectionist who wants everything done immediately, you could say, “I understand the urgency and will complete my part, but I do need to leave on time today.” Framing your response this way can help maintain the relationship while asserting your needs. - Check in afterward.
After setting a boundary, it’s important to follow up and check in. For example, with a chatty boss, you might say, “I really appreciate our conversation, and I’d love to continue it over coffee tomorrow.” With a controlling boss, you could say, “I appreciate the importance of the project. Let’s figure out how we can avoid this issue in the future so I can balance my work and family obligations.” This helps ensure there’s no hard feelings and reinforces your commitment to your responsibilities.
What if your boss is genuinely unaware of how their behavior is affecting your schedule? Can you bring it up to them directly?
Of course. But remember, it’s not about confronting or blaming them. Instead, frame it as a constructive conversation. You might say, “I’ve noticed that I’m sometimes staying later than planned because of last-minute tasks or discussions. While I’m committed to the job, I also have family responsibilities that require my attention. How can we work together to better manage this?” This opens the door for mutual understanding and problem-solving.
How do you handle it if your boss is really controlling or dismissive of your personal time?
In situations where a boss is particularly controlling, you have to be extra clear about your boundaries. It may help to set a recurring meeting where you can discuss priorities and expectations in advance, so that last-minute requests are minimized. And if the issue persists, you may need to have a more direct conversation, explaining that while you’re dedicated to your work, you need to maintain a healthy balance between your job and personal life.
One thing I always stress is that setting boundaries isn’t about being rigid—it’s about being authentic and clear. When you respect your own boundaries, you invite others to do the same.
The most important thing is to remember that you are a whole person. Your work is part of your life, but it doesn’t define you. And neither does being a mother. So, be kind to yourself and make sure you’re honoring both your personal needs and professional ambitions. Being clear about your boundaries is a powerful way to honor who you are and what matters most to you.