You’ve been there for each other, in the best and worst of times. They’ve seen you through bad breakups, and you were there when their dad died. Your friendship seems like a true force of nature and absolutely indestructible—that is, until you had a baby. Suddenly, your BFF is too busy to not only see you, but even speak on the phone. It makes you wonder: do friendships change after having a baby? In short, yes.
Welcoming a baby into the world is one of the most joyous events in your life, which makes it even odder that your best friend would go MIA when they’ve celebrated almost every other moment with you. But if you’re feeling that your bud has started a subtle separation, you just might be right. “It’s to be expected that friendships will change, because it’s all part of the evolution of the person,” Beverley Andre, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Romper. “You are becoming a parent, and your friend is becoming the friend of the person who is becoming a parent, and that’s not always easy.”
Here’s why friendships change after having a baby:
Your Friend Might Be Trying To Have A Baby, Too
As close as you and your bestie are, the birth of your baby might be triggering for them, especially if they’ve been TTC for a while or have had a miscarriage. “Often, women who can’t have babies or don’t want kids will drop off,” explains Chloe Ballatore, a relationship and communication expert. It can be too painful to watch their friend enjoying their new life and baby, and although they’re probably very happy for you, it can cause a fracture in the friendship. The important thing to remember is that, as hard as it might be, you shouldn’t feel guilty about having a baby. Being mindful of your friend’s feelings (like not giving them daily updates) may make it easier for them to still be a part of your life.
Your Friend Might Be Giving You Space
Life with a newborn is anything but easy. You’ve probably got spit up (and other stuff) on your clothes—and frankly, you don’t really care. Getting out of the house is a struggle, and did we mention the perpetual brain fog? Your friend has a front row seat to your struggles, and that’s why they might pull away temporarily to give you some space as you adjust to your new life. “By stepping back, they are giving their friend the grace that they need for their journey,” explains Andre. “But if that’s not communicated, it can look like a withdrawal.” Of course, if you’re clueless as to why your bud isn’t texting you to hang out, your mind can go to the worst case scenario. So talk to your friend and mention that you’ve noticed they haven’t been around as much, and see what they say. It might simply be that they’re giving you time alone so you don’t feel the pressure of having to hang out like you both used to. Communication doesn’t happen in a bubble, though, so let your friend know that open, honest conversation between both of you will help the friendship without either one of you winding up with hurt feelings.
Your Friendship Might Not Be In Sync Anymore
You and your BFF always imagined that you would become little old ladies together. So the idea that your friendship may just be seasonal is, frankly, shocking to you. “It’s not that you no longer like each other, it’s that life priorities and experiences change,” Christina Steinorth-Powell, a licensed psychotherapist and author of Cue Cards for Men: A Man’s Guide to Love and Life., tells Romper. “Your childless friend may want to do spur of the moment things that you’re not able to anymore once you have a child.” Sometimes, the characters in your life are only meant for some chapters, and you aren’t on the same page anymore. That said, it doesn’t mean you can’t revisit the relationship in the future.
Sure, some friendships change after having a baby. Be honest with each other, and respect what they’re feeling. Just know that while some friendships (even the closest ones) can ebb and flow, the strongest ones will survive.