The idea of narcissism is nothing new, but a quick look online might make you think otherwise. From romantic partners to problematic coworkers, it’s pretty much inevitable that you’re going to come across a narcissist at some point in your life. While those interactions might be irritating, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can become even more painful when the person expressing those tendencies is your own child. But there is hope, according to Dr. Michele Borba, Ed.D., an educational psychologist. The author of 24 books — including Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World — explains how encouraging (and modeling) empathy in your child can build their emotional intelligence, which just might be one potential antidote to narcissism.
Michele, you’ve done so much work on understanding what helps kids thrive. One of the key messages that you emphasize in your book Unselfie and in your work with Thrivers is empathy. Can you share a bit more about how empathy is connected to the rise in anxiety in children today?
Empathy is a superpower trait, and I truly believe it’s one of the most crucial traits that is lacking in today’s world. The pandemic played a big role in this. Kids have spent more time looking at screens than engaging with others face-to-face. The more they’re isolated, the less practice they get with reading other people’s emotions or expressing their own.
Without that connection, anxiety levels increase. When we’re stressed, empathy tends to go down, because we’re in survival mode, just trying to cope. If we don’t teach our kids coping skills, narcissism—this “me, not we” mentality—becomes more prevalent. That’s why empathy is so key: it directly impacts anxiety, emotional intelligence, and connection.
It sounds like empathy is something that can be nurtured and developed, rather than just something we’re born with. Can parents actually teach empathy to their kids?
Yes, absolutely! Empathy can be cultivated. Children are born with the potential for empathy, but it needs to be nurtured. One of the simplest ways to start is through emotional literacy—just talking about feelings. This doesn’t need to be a formal lesson; it can happen naturally in everyday situations. For example, when you watch a movie like Inside Out, you can pause and ask your child, “How do you think she’s feeling right now?” Or when you’re out in public, you might notice someone’s facial expression and ask, “How do you think that person is feeling?” These small, consistent moments help kids recognize and understand emotions in others, which is the foundation of empathy.
I love that—making it a part of everyday life. So it doesn’t need to be this big, formal lesson. Are there other ways parents can build empathy into their routine?
You don’t have to set aside a special time for it; you can weave it into regular activities. For example, reading books with your kids is a great opportunity. When you read a story, ask your child, “How do you think this character is feeling?” or “Why do you think they acted that way?” This helps them step into someone else’s shoes, which is the heart of empathy. Even better, as your kids get older, you can engage with them about books they’re assigned at school or read the same book together and discuss the characters’ emotions. For example, I loved reading Sally Gets Mad, Really Really Mad with my kids—such a great book to talk about emotions. For older kids, it could even mean joining a book club yourself, reading deeply emotional books, and using those conversations to model empathy.
So, it sounds like modeling empathy yourself as a parent is really important. Can you speak more about how this works?
Yes! Modeling is one of the most powerful tools for teaching empathy. Kids learn so much from what we do—not just from what we say. When you express your own feelings openly and talk about them in a way that makes sense to your kids, you’re showing them how to recognize and manage emotions. For example, if you’re feeling stressed or upset, you might say, “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I’m okay, but I just need a moment to process.” This helps your child understand that it’s okay to feel things and that emotions are natural—it’s just part of being human. When they see you practice emotional literacy, they’ll start to do it too. I remember my two-year-old when I was dealing with a difficult family situation. He saw my tears, and he immediately ran to get band-aids and started putting them on my face. He felt my pain. So, when you model this, even younger kids start to understand that it’s okay to acknowledge emotions.
I love how you mentioned that empathy is more than just the words we use—it’s also about the body language, tone of voice, and the way we show up emotionally. Can you share some practical examples of how to help kids tune into these non-verbal cues?
It’s really important for kids to understand that feelings aren’t just communicated through words; they’re also shown in body language and tone of voice. For example, when you’re watching a movie or TV show together, you might pause and say, “Look at how his body is hunched over. Do you think he’s feeling sad or angry?” Or when you’re with a friend or family member, point out how someone’s posture or expression might be telling you how they feel. For example, when you’re in a public space, you might say, “Look at that woman’s face—she looks upset. How do you think she’s feeling?” and then discuss it. Kids can be like “feeling detectives,” learning to read those cues. And this helps them build a deeper, more nuanced understanding of others’ emotions.
That’s amazing — “feeling detectives.” How important is it for kids to learn these skills at an early age?
It’s incredibly important, especially because emotional literacy—recognizing and naming emotions—forms the foundation of empathy. The younger you start, the better. For example, even toddlers can begin to identify basic emotions like happy, sad, mad, and scared. And as kids grow older, you can expand that vocabulary to include more complex emotions. But the real power is in creating a space where kids feel comfortable expressing their emotions and learning to understand others. It becomes a cycle: the more they feel seen and understood, the more they can connect with others in a meaningful way.
That’s such a beautiful way to look at it. It sounds like empathy isn’t just about understanding others—it’s also about feeling connected to them. And for parents who are concerned about time or feel overwhelmed, do you have any tips on how to make this all feel doable?
I get it—parents are busy, and it can feel overwhelming to try to add one more thing to your plate. Here’s the thing: It doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Start small and make empathy a part of your daily life. Don’t feel like you need to dedicate 30 minutes every day to teaching empathy. Instead, look for moments in your day where you can make empathy part of the conversation. For example, while driving in the car, you can point out people you see on the street and ask your kids, “How do you think that person is feeling?” Or at the dinner table, you could ask, “How did you think your friend felt when you did that?” These are just small moments, but they really add up over time. And it’s important to remember that kids learn through repetition.
One of my favorite tips is to keep things easy and relatable. Don’t feel pressured to do it all at once. For instance, you can read one chapter of a book and pause to discuss the character’s feelings. You can do this after school or before bedtime—it doesn’t need to be a big-time commitment. Also, make sure you’re not just telling your kids about emotions, but showing them. Model it in your own life. For example, if you’re feeling stressed, say something like, “I’m really tired right now, but I’m okay,” so they understand that it’s natural to have those feelings.
And here’s a great little trick for making it even more approachable: You can always “teach” empathy by asking your kids to help someone else. For example, “Do you think your younger sibling needs help with that? How can you help them feel better?” Even helping the family pet can be a great exercise in empathy. The key is finding these small, everyday opportunities, and then integrating them into your routine.
That’s such a great reminder. It doesn’t need to be a huge, daunting task—just small, consistent moments of connection. I think it’s a really practical approach for busy parents.
And one last tip I’d share is that as parents, we need to remember that we need to practice empathy too. Our kids learn from us, and we can model empathy through our actions, even when we’re stressed or busy. By creating small, actionable steps, we’ll help them understand empathy, and ultimately, they’ll be better equipped to handle the emotional challenges they face. For example, if you’re feeling stressed, you could say to your kids, “I’m really tired right now, but I’m okay,” so they can start understanding that emotions are part of life, and it’s okay to feel them.
That’s powerful.
Just remember, don’t try to do it all at once. If you read Unselfie or Thrivers, don’t feel like you need to implement every strategy at once. Pick one or two, make them a part of your daily life, and go from there. You don’t need a big plan—you need small, consistent actions. These skills are essential for resilience, and over time, they will make a world of difference in your child’s ability to thrive. Teaching the skill is always one of the best ways to learn it yourself. So find simple little ways or do it as a family, and that’s how we raise up the generation of thrivers and kids who are unselfie one child at a time.